The Marv Albert Rule

Posted Jul 23, 2003
Last Updated Oct 31, 2011

If you lead a semi-conscious existence, or at-least know someone who does, you may have heard of the situation going on with NBA superstar Kobe Bryant. The 24-year-old All-Star has been formally accused of committing sexual assault on a 19-year-old hotel employee. Bryant has come forth to say he had sexual relations with the woman, but did not assault her. I don’t want to bore you with the details, so I’ll end the re-cap there.

Now, Kobe Bryant is the choirboy of the NBA. In an sport where the athletes contribute more to child support and misdemeanor fines than they do to their monthly mortgage payments Kobe Bryant brags about watching his baby being born (from a woman he’s married to no less). He spends his off-seasons in Italy, and speaks the native tongue fluently. He doesn’t enjoy socializing with his teammates, who say he prefers to go home to his family after practices and games. And maybe you’ve seen his billion-dollar smile in a couple of Sprite commercials.

So is this saint of an athlete capable of committing such a serious felony? I have to admit that at first I didn’t think so. I’m not a Kobe fan, but I do respect his game and the way he allegedly carries himself. All of the strategized PR and marketing work had prematurely biased me in Kobe’s favor, but let’s face it; I don’t know Kobe from the weird guy who lives by the laundry room in my apartment building. Still, I was sure Kobe didn’t do it. It reminded me of the time when Juwan Howard was accused of sexually assaulting a woman at a party, and then had irrefutable evidence that he wasn’t at the party. Apparently someone told the woman that Howard would be there just to impress her, and she created the plan. Howard later sued the woman for defamation of character and won.

This all led to an email conversation with a friend of mine, in which I defended Bryant and accosted the young alleged victim, whom I’ve neither met, nor seen. I brought up the Howard case, and an incident when I saw a college athlete get hounded by a disturbing young woman to the extent that he had to leave a party just to get away from her. Then my friend wrote something that really struck a chord with me. It was: "One thing I’ve learned since high-school is that seemingly normal people can be really weird about sex.”

Immediately after I read that I was inspired to create the "Marv Albert Rule.” Or more specifically the "If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, Then Anything Is Possible Rule.” It’s kind of like a sports figure specific Murphy’s Law. 

For instance, If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, then Magic Johnson can contract HIV. 

Or, If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, then Michael Jordan can have illegitimate children that he may or may not pay child support for.

How about, If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, then O.J. Simpson can brutally murder the mother of his children, AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

So I ask you, If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, then is it so hard to believe that Kobe Bryant can forcibly make a woman have sex against her will?

I’m not trying to convict Kobe. I don’t know what happened that night in Colorado. I know that Kobe had knee surgery, and I imagine he had a noticeable limp and a fair amount of pain. I know he had sex with his accuser. I know that the District Attorney said he wouldn’t file charges against Kobe unless he found significant physical evidence to back the accusation. I know the District Attorney filed charges, and therefore must have found such evidence.

That’s all I know, and that’s all anyone knows. I don’t know if he did or not, but I do know that If Marv Albert Can Bite A Hooker In The Ass, Then Anything Is Possible.

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